What is my Attachment Style?
If you are currently dating or consume social media you have probably seen the term “attachment style” pop up on your feed or overheard the term while enjoying your latte at a local coffee spot. You may have even been asked about your attachment style on dating apps.
So why is this term getting popular to the point that it has made its way into our coffee date discussion topics and new york Times bestseller lists?
Attachment style is becoming so well known in part due to authors like Amir Levine and Stan Takin who have made this information palatable and available. The reason it has found a home in our conversations is because it’s incredibly impactful for our relationships. The way we were loved as children shapes how we love as adults. No matter how much we would like to deny the impact our childhoods have on our adult selves…the truth is our childhood wounding is alive in the present whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
Before you go there….no this doesn’t mean we get to blame our parents for all of our issues or hyperfocus on perfecting the incredibly difficult task of raising a child.
Based on the research of Dr. Donald Winnicott we know that for a child to be able to thrive all they need is “good enough” parenting. Meaning that they need to have their physical, emotional, and mental needs met 30% of the time with relative consistency. We know that this is a big ask and no parent is knowingly trying to negatively impact their child’s life by misattuning or missing a bid for attention. So please note that lessons about your attachment style are nuanced and meant to give you more information about how you get your needs met, what you are likely to expect from your partner, and what you may be sensitive to as a means of helping you have more connected secure relationships.
When our attachment is secure, we feel at ease in relationships. We can trust that our partner or partners will be there for us when we need them and feel comfortable taking space to explore our own interests and needs. We allow our partner space to explore themselves without us. We don’t see space or other friendships/relationships as a threat to our relationship with our partner. If you are reading this and thinking, “ Does anyone actually feel that way? Aren’t relationships just a hotbed of anxiety, power moves, and texting rules?”
Then you will want to keep reading to learn more about your style of attachment.
Regardless of your style, it is possible to achieve an earned secure attachment style in your romantic relationships. This is cultivated through awareness, and understanding of how your own attachment style shows up, and taking steps to build a solid safety and security system within your relationships built on trust and meeting bids for connection.
Insecure attachment is divided into three types : anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
It is important to note that attachment styles exist on a continuum and can change over a person’s life.
Anxious Attachment Style is characterized by the need for additional reassurance about the connection in the relationship. There may be fear of abandonment and anxiety that comes with distance. For an anxiously attached adult this discomfort with distance or lack of access to a partner is due to not having a reliable connection to your caregiver growing up. Your caregiver may have been there at times to meet your needs but at others were nowhere to be found . This creates lack of trust and inability to be able to count on your connection. You may find yourself texting your partner a lot when you are apart, anxiously awaiting the response. Perhaps you play out the worst case scenarios when you await the response. You may struggle with transitions, goodbyes, greetings and feel irritated at your partner after they have been gone for a while. Even if you miss them and want a connection; it may be hard to show it. You may find yourself creating test situations where you wait to see if your partner really loves you.
Avoidant Attachment Style embodies a hyper independent approach. You may feel most comfortable when you are alone; getting the space to do your own thing. You may have even found that you don't like to commit to relationships and feel overwhelmed by the idea of depending on someone else. You likely feel more comfortable analyzing and being rational and logical when presented with hardship or conflict and find less value in expressing or processing emotions. When you are stressed or challenged you find yourself becoming self-reliant and may find it uncomfortable to ask for help. You want to be connected, but being vulnerable and having too much closeness feels suffocating to you. As a child you may have gotten the message from caregivers that your performance was highly prioritized over your feelings or needs. You likely excelled at what you did and had caretakers who emphasized achievement. There may have been an unspoken rule in your home that only happiness, or positive emotions should be expressed. There may have been no space for more difficult emotions or even shaming or rejection of those difficult feelings. This way of moving through life has gotten your needs met while you were a child and helped you survive in the environment you lived in. Just because you were in these situations, doesn’t mean you didn't feel loved and supported by your caregivers. You may even feel this approach continues to work well for you in many ways in adulthood.
Disorganized Attachment Style is characterized by a push-pull effect in which you want connection, closeness and reassurance, but feel that it is difficult to accept or receive . When you have a partner who is providing love, attention, and closeness you may feel suffocated or want to take more space, but when you take space you may feel irritated, and anxious about the connection to your partner. This can be confusing and make relationships feel overwhelming at times. Being intimate with a partner, although you yearn for connection, can feel dangerous. Your innate need for love and connection seems to be at war with your body and brain's natural wiring for keeping you safe and secure. This attachment style can be created from abusive situations, or childhood trauma and is activated when a caregiver who we want to get love connection and reassurance from is also unsafe for us. As children, our caregivers are who we look to for safety and connection. When they are also the person causing us pain and harm it is incredibly confusing. Hence the disorganized push-pull dynamic of this attachment style. You want love from your partner, but simultaneously get signals that reaching out could cause you harm. If you feel you are experiencing these characteristics in your relationships and want to work towards a more secure attachment style in your relationship. We can help.
Earned secure attachment is possible. It helps to treat yourself with compassion when you discover your more insecure attachment style being activated. Give yourself grace knowing that these patterns arose out of necessity to survive earlier in your life. They worked well for a period of time to get your needs met. Now that you are in a new situation you can start to develop and integrate new ways of getting your needs met that contribute to a more secure attachment.