We hear about “attachment” and “attachment styles” from personal development moguls and psychology professionals across social media, self-help books, and everything in between - but why is it necessary? 

When we can understand how we experience attachment, we can work to become intentional about how we want to connect in relationships. Although labels can be helpful as we work to explore identity, attachment-style labels are fluid and not always exclusive. Piecing together one's attachment can help to build self-awareness and increase the opportunity to create change in one’s interpersonal dynamics.

What is attachment?

Attachment in the context of attachment styles refers to the emotional bond or connection that forms between individuals. Since its discovery, it has been understood that these styles are determined by a child’s early relationship with their primary caregiver, generally from ages 0-2. As studies have evolved, we now know that although this is true, it is not exclusive to this relationship. Interpersonal relationships in adulthood can additionally inform our attachment styles. Psychologist John Bowlby developed the theory of attachment, and his work has been expanded upon by researchers like Mary Ainsworth. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotions, and thoughts that develop as a result of these collected experiences. The attachments that we have formed in these important relationships influence the way we attach to additional relationships including significant others, friends, family, and even work colleagues.

There are four primary attachment styles:

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:

Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often worry about their relationships and fear abandonment. They may be overly dependent on their partners, seek constant reassurance, and have difficulty feeling secure in their relationships.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style are often emotionally distant and prefer self-sufficiency. They may have difficulty opening up to others and often downplay the importance of close relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment:

This attachment style is characterized by a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style desire close relationships but are simultaneously afraid of getting hurt. They may have a history of inconsistent caregiving.

Secure Attachment:

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable getting close to others and depending on them emotionally. They are confident that their needs will be met and that they can trust their caregivers and partners. They tend to have healthy, long-lasting relationships. 

How to Understand Attachment Styles in your Relationship

Secure attachment is often the “goal” to achieve when exploring attachment in relationships. However, couples counseling or attachment-informed therapy may reveal a different goal in mind - acceptance. For more detailed information on the different attachment styles and how to get support in attachment-informed therapy in Los Angeles, check out our blog post here. 

Attachment styles influence how individuals approach and navigate relationships throughout their lives and are in place for a reason. At one point or another, the emotions and behaviors associated with our attachment style have served to protect us. These attachment styles are not set in stone and can change or evolve based on new experiences and personal growth. Attachment-informed therapy offers the opportunity to explore and build self-awareness that can support individuals and couples to understand and potentially modify their attachment patterns to build healthier relationships. 

What is an anxious attachment how does it interplay in relationships?

Anxious attachment can be defined as hypervigilant. When activated, individuals with anxious attachment in relationships are hyperaware of others’ nonverbal cues and look for their partners to meet the needs their anxiety presents. Anxious attachment individuals crave emotional intimacy and closeness. Following Jenna Fern’s Polysecure chart, anxious attachment indicates a positive model of others (low avoidance) and a negative model of self (high anxiety). 

Anxious attachment in childhood (preoccupied):

In childhood, anxious attachment may be signaled by a few general behaviors. Commonly, infants and children with an anxious attachment exhibit clinging to their caregivers, difficulty self-soothing and controlling their crying or other distressing emotions, and appearing overall worried. These types of children are less interested in engaging with other peers and strangers. They are more reserved, feeling safer in the closeness of their caregiver rather than exploring outside relations. When caregivers leave, anxiously attached children find it very troublesome and have difficulty adjusting to their absence, more so than other children of similar age. 

Anxious Attachment in Adulthood:

Anxious children inevitably grow into anxious adults. Anxiously attached adults exhibit an over-dependence on others, specifically their romantic partners. As previously discussed, adults with this attachment style often have a low sense of self with a positive perception of others. This low self-worth is emotionally taxing and exhausting in relationships with a constant worry of disapproval or abandonment by their partner. Anxious adults come from a place of relying on reassurance and safety from others making them highly sensitive to other’s subtle behaviors and emotions - traditionally putting other’s needs before their own. It is important to note that these experiences may be either subtle or extreme, but regardless, becoming aware of them is the first step in regaining power over one’s security. 

Can I have a happy relationship if my partner has an anxious attachment?

Let’s pause. All of this information about anxious attachment may be leading to many different thoughts and feelings right about now. Some people may realize that they identify with a lot of the qualities that anxiously attached individuals embody. Without any judgment, know that this is not your fault and it does not make you unworthy nor is it impossible to have a healthy relationship. Others may be reading this and seeing that their partner can be very much anxiously attached. Noticing any tendency to run from these misnomered red flags, let there be some reassurance in that your relationship can still thrive.

5 Tips to Support your Partner with an Anxious Attachment

While everyone is unique with their own needs and strengths that they bring to a relationship, there are five general tips that partners can reference to best support their significant others with an anxious attachment style:

Reassurance -

As a partner, it is important to offer security to their anxiously-attached counterpart. For individuals who have a core fear of abandonment, providing reassurance of love and relationship stability can bring ease to the relationship.

Transparent Communication -

Communication is imperative in any relationship. However, relationships involving people with anxious attachment styles place a hyper-focus on words and nonverbal communication to determine safety. Partners can offer clear communication of their feelings, plans, and needs to give little room for miscommunication in transparency. 

Consistency -

For any individual looking for security, consistency is a powerful way to achieve this effect. Following through on promises and commitments made are common forms of consistency that partners take to build strength and show respect in a relationship. 

Encouraging self-soothing behaviors -

Self-soothing is a skill that when in the practice of, supports emotional intelligence. Couples and other romantic relationships rely on self-soothing methods for a healthy relationship dynamic. For further information on self-soothing in relationships, take a look at this post on the Gottman Method here. Partners should encourage one another to become comfortable with this practice. Oftentimes, individual or couples therapy can be highly effective in working toward this goal. To explore options for attachment-informed therapy in Los Angeles or online, check out trained therapists here. 

Maintaining Boundaries -

While consideration of your partner is crucial in any relationship, being mindful of one’s own needs is equally as important. Partners of anxiously-attached individuals must have a strong sense of their boundaries and stick to them. Boundaries help two people connect. Connection leads to a deep relationship. And a deepening relationship helps to build intimacy.

When to Seek Further Support for Your Relationship

Something as deeply ingrained as attachment encompasses many parts of the self. Therapy offers the opportunity to holistically explore the integration of these parts to understand the origin of attachment, develop a greater sense of acceptance of the attachment style, and make generous strides toward a more secure way of living. 

When relationship challenges arise or one’s self-awareness of their attachment has signaled they need support - it is time to look for counseling services to aid in this process. 

Begin Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA and across the state

Attachment-informed therapists in Los Angeles can be found at Flourish Mindset. Whether you are looking for couples therapy in Los Angeles or individual therapy for intimacy issues, review the services that the Flourish team has to offer. A variety of personalities and approaches increase the possibility of finding the right fit for you. This information only scratches the surface of anxious attachment and how it presents itself with each individual. Start your healing journey with an online couples therapist or a local individual therapist from our team in Los Angeles today.  Reach out to schedule a free consultation and receive the support you deserve!

Other Services Offered with Flourish Mindset Therapy

COUPLES THERAPY isn’t the only service offered at Flourish Mindset. We are happy to offer a variety of services in support of your mental wellbeing. These mental health services include in-person therapy options in Los Angeles and ONLINE THERAPY options across California. Other services offered include DEPRESSION THERAPY, EMDR THERAPY, and CHILD AND TEEN THERAPY. We also offer ANXIETY THERAPY, KETAMINE THERAPY, and THERAPY FOR SEXUAL TRAUMA.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

SAVANNAH JAOUHARI, M.A. APCC, NCC, (Supervised by Hanna Stensby) is a Gottman Trained Couples therapist and registered provider, and advocate with the Postpartum Support International, and supports parents who are struggling with Postpartum Blues and PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders). She helps couples find healthy ways to move through conflict, create shared meaning, and stay connected despite facing life challenges.

Reference

Fern, J., Rickert, E., & Samaran, N. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy (Unabridged). Thornapple Press.